FanginCheek
by EEevee
Summary: “Hey England, where would you hide a coffin?” Of course America didn't believe in imaginary creatures but vampires were real and he was going to prove it!
1. Chapter 1

Title: Fang-in-Cheek

Rating: T for language

Characters: America, OC!nation(s), a bunch of other nations

Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia, the concept behind Hetalia, nor the countries themselves. This is a fanwork and not for profit.

Warnings: Fictional meeting and halfassed accuracy. Not beta-ed.

A/N: Inspired by the fact that I can't do anything without seeing and/or hearing "vampire." You know it's bad when your mother recommends vampire books and your coworker comments that random customers look like bloodsuckers. We won't even discuss the mall =O Co-conspired with ideas from EddietheBlackMaru and Fyyrrose.

America hastily gulped the hamburger down and took a big swig of some coke. The pop lacked the usual burn he associated with soda. He took another unsatisfying swig, noting the off-taste as well. Didn't these Europeans realize the high fructose corn syrup was a necessity for a good soda? Real sugar was in the past.

He wasn't really thrilled about this meeting. He was still feeling a little under the weather, although his cold seemed to be improving a bit. Enough to revive some of his usual energy and cheer. But man was it boring here. And he had already given his awesome speech earlier, so the rest of the three day meeting would mean he was supposed to be quiet. And that was something he wasn't good at because everyone was entitled to his opinion.

He idly considering going to find someone to harass but it was just barely warm enough outside that he just sat on a bench and finished his lunch.

And that's when he saw it.

Romania, a country he had almost forgotten and the meeting's host, stepped out of the building's shadow. America wasn't really interested in that. He'd been staring at the country all damn day after all. It was fall and cloudy and chilly, although no snow had fallen yet. All in all, it was miserable. No wonder all these countries were so cranky all the time with all the cloud cover. It reminded him of Seattle.

Anyway, just as Romania stepped free the sunlight streamed out from a break in the clouds. It poured down on the other country, which he ignored in his black suit, and then it lit up.

He was sparkling.

Seriously sparkling.

As in all over. Well, not all over, because America couldn't see under his clothes, but the rest of him was sparkling, so he just assumed that he was sparkling all over.

Then Romania ran away back into the shadows after wincing and stumbling a bit.

Something clicked in America's mind, "Oh my God, Stephanie Meyer was right!"

:E

America watched the other nation until he stepped out of sight around the corner and slumped down in thought. So, what did he know about vampires? He knew there was some kind of vampire craze going on in his country right now, again, as it seems to rotate in ten year cycles, so what did he know?

Vampires were evil. Duh. Except when they were good. But most vampires were evil.

So first he should figure out if Romania was a good or bad vampire…

Wait, no, first he should figure out if Romania was a vampire. He couldn't just make accusations without proof. There wasn't any justice in that and heroes were way too cool to make novice mistakes. And Bigfoot was so real… just because he was drunk when he proclaimed it didn't change that!

He needed to make up some tests for finding out if Romania was a vampire or not.

What did he know about vampires? Well, he knew they came from somewhere in Eastern Europe… where was it again? It rhymed with Pennsylvania. He could remember that much because PA was one of his states. He pursued that train of thought, even looked it up on his map, and came to the conclusion that where they came from was unimportant because vampires lived EVERYWHERE! Anne Rice said they even lived in Louisiana, and it was warm and sunny down there. Plus California too; although he disagreed that it was a Hell Mouth. Sure, CA had some drug problems and was perpetually broke and bum-like and had Hollywood, but that didn't make it Hell.

Pacing, he tried to think of what else he knew.

They didn't like garlic and were cold like Russia and turned into wolves—wait, not, bats—and they didn't like crosses or silver. Plus they drank blood and could float and had super powers. Oh, and sharpened wood to the heart killed them. And no matter how good looking they were, they couldn't see themselves in the mirror or show up in pictures—wait, no, that was ghosts? He couldn't remember—and… and they slept in coffins!

Sloppily he wrote all of those things down and wrote next to sunlight: sparkles, check.

He stared hard at the next one: garlic.

:E

He meandered towards where he knew most everyone was having lunch. Sometimes he just got really sick of having lunch where he was expected to be polite and make small talk. That's why he was outside by himself in the first place. But that didn't mean he didn't get the invitation because America always got the invitation. Even if the others didn't always mean it.

He peeked around the corner all spy-like and was pleased to see Romania seated at one of the tables. A devilish grin crossed his face before he ducked back around the corner.

It was easy enough to find his way to the kitchen.

"Oh, Italy!"

The other nation jumped and a gave a quick 've~' of surprise before returning the smile.

"What're you doing in here?"

"Ve~ I like to cook and since I overheard the head guy say they were short staffed, I volunteered to help!" the other nation explained cheerfully. "Do you want to help too?"

"Nah, I can't cook—wait, do they need a waiter too?"

It didn't take long for America to get dressed and ready. Despite what most of the other nations would say, he was a pretty competent waiter when he decided to be a common worker for a week. He got a ton of tips anyway. Being a bartender was even more fun but it was pretty sweet to wait tables too.

He didn't bother with a disguise. Everyone already knew who he was and anyway, he was being a good guy and helping out. There was no reason to hide. Especially since the vampire didn't know he was onto him yet. That and Italy had laughed saying you didn't wear sunglasses inside and the mustache was funny.

Ignoring the surprised looks, he quickly and professionally took everyone's order, except England's. He wrote down something entirely different for him. It was going to be a special order alright.

"Ve~ are you sure they want hot peppers?"

"Yeah, England loves hot peppers, didn't you know that?" America breezed back. He actually had no idea if England even had enough taste buds left for the hot peppers to be effective but it was a funny thought.

Once the food was ready he loaded it up on the tray but not before loading up Romania's food with garlic. When he was sure that he put enough on there he went out and served. And retreated really quickly. He didn't remember what vampires did when they came into contact with garlic, but if it was anything like throwing tums in coke bottles, he didn't want to be in range. Or did they shrivel up like a slug under salt? That'd be cool too.

Two simultaneous shouts came from the dining area. One of pleasure and one of extreme outrage. Unfortunately, the outrage was not Romania. The outrage paused for a moment, America assumed that England was drinking to get rid of the burning, before more screaming and profanity started up even louder than before.

America smirked. Nothing like some Liptons Sweet Ice Tea to make England rocket to the moon. Italy smiled and wordlessly handed him a flag. It was white and boring but whatever. He thanked the other nation and stuffed it in his jacket.

Step 2: garlic, major fail.

:E

America was in really good spirits the second half of the meeting. Not only had he managed to pester England, he was, for once, the first one to the meeting. It was great to gloat and smirk as the rest of the nations trudged in. He tried not to laugh as China was still picking random bits of food out of his hair.

He really wasn't sure how to go about the third item on his list. Not being able to use a mirror must be really hard, like when you were trying to tie your tie and your fingers kept getting in the way. Or flossing your teeth—did vampires floss their fangs?

He didn't have a portable mirror because that's the kind of thing girls carried around… wait, Poland was like a girl. Maybe he would have one? America was fairly sure that Hungary didn't count as a mirror-touting girl and there was no way he was getting near either of Russia's sisters. Especially the one with the knife.

"And so I said, like, that's my lipstick."

America gave Poland a hearty slap on the back sending the unsuspecting nation flying. He righted himself with an annoyed huff and straightened his clothing before turning around.

"Like, what do you want America? I was, like, totally in a conversation, you know? And you just, like, busted into the middle of it."

"I need to borrow a mirror!"

"Like, nuh-uh. You, like, break stuff. And you, like, still totally owe me for last time."

America couldn't think of a witty comeback for that. He didn't even remember what he owed or why.

"Please?"

"No."

"Pleeeeeeeeeease?"

"Like, NO."

"But I neeeeeeed it…"

Poland stared at him like a deer-in-the-headlights before hastily fishing a small compact out and handing it over.

"Like, that's totally more creepy than Russia's smile," Poland said slowly as he backed away. "You, like, looked like those creepy super-deformed things from Japan."

"Hey, people always tell me my puppy dog eyes are cute!"

"We, like, already know England's not right." Poland muttered under his breath then added louder, "Like, keep it! I don't, like, want it back after whatever you, like, plan to do with it uggh."

"Sweet! Thanks!"

America raced off with his prize and went to locate his prey. Mwahahaha.

"You're Romania, right?"

The said nation turned around and blinked mildly. America proceeded to also get a view. Close up. Romania coughed slightly and took a few steps backward with concern in his dark eyes. Well, he didn't really look like a vampire or anything. But America knew that vampires could look like anyone.

"Hey, so how was lunch?"

"Delicious."

America's face fell. He had forgotten about his failed plan with the garlic. He pushed that thought away and blurted out, "Uh, I think you have something in your teeth! Here."

America carefully looked over the other nation's shoulder, not hard since he was so tall, and was disappointed to find that he could see a reflection. Wait… where was his reflection? He twisted around a few times trying to catch a glimpse before giving up in frustration. Maybe it was just the angle? Right.

"Thank you."

America couldn't wait until the other nation left before snapping open the compact violently. The top clattered off and he scurried to retrieve it.

"What? Nooooooo, where's my reflection? I'm the hero! Heroes should have reflections!"

Behind him, unnoticed, Canada picked up the mirror that had fallen out during the fall. The little piece of material glinted, catching America's eye. He stood transfixed by the (seemingly) floating mirror before letting out a wail and high tailing it up the hall.

Mirror, epic fail.

:E

America pouted. He still had several more items on his list and he wasn't about to give up. He searched down them before wavering on finding some holy water or going about getting a temperature reading on the unsuspecting vampire.

Vampires were cold right? Because they didn't have blood right? So that'd be easy. He'd just have to stick his hand on Romania. Or stick a thermometer up his butt, but America wasn't up for that. That was gross. Tony had told him about that kind of probing.

He wasn't sure what excuse he could use and not look like a stalker if he hunted down Romania again. Vampires were smart like that. Wait… didn't vampires have mind reading powers? Oh crap. Well, he'd just have to guard his thoughts.

Wandering around he managed to get himself thoroughly lost. It wasn't really a problem though.

"…You have tribulations with my sister, da?"

America stopped in mid-stride. He knew that voice and it made his eyes narrow. He had been really, really good with Russia lately. He hadn't taunted the large nation or shot spitballs at him when his back was turned. As a return courtesy, Russia hadn't done too much giggling or hefting of the pipe. It was an uneasy truce between them and America almost turned right back around.

"Not with your sister but the country she represents."

America groaned. Of course Romania would be trapped by Russia. Aside from the fact that Russia made a conscious effort to 'get to know' all the other countries, he was always in the way! It was like he had this sixth sense about it. Hey, what can I do to mess up America's plans today?

Before America could figure out how to make a flashy entrance with a cool line Romania simply slipped around the larger country. Both America and Russia's jaws dropped. Wow, super speed too!

America heard them coming closer and he dove behind a random chair. Who set up this place anyway? Well, he wasn't going to be complaining. The last time he had tried to hide behind a plant and that failed.

America winced as he heard/felt Romania hit the chair. The smaller country sank involuntarily into the cushion.

"I was not finished speaking." Russia wasn't using his disturbing child voice. That was a bad sign. That was usually America's cue to duck and roll. The pipe clinked on the edge of the chair in warning and America bit back a yelp as the edge of the metal clipped his ankle. Damn Russia.

"I was finished listening." Romania squeaked and America shook his head. That was not the right thing to say. Now Russia was going to pull some dick move or other and America would have to step in the middle of it for sure.

"Then we will speak of this at a later date, da?"

There was a long pause before foot steps retreated away from the chair. America sighed then gasped. Romania must have just hypnotized Russia. There was no way he'd just walk off otherwise!

Oh well, all the better for America. Now if he could just cop a quick feel, while trying not to keep in mind France's unsolicited instructions, without raising suspicion, he could confirm Romania's body temperature.

Now how to get around Romania's all-powerful mind techniques?

"I'mnotthinkingI'mnotthinking…" America whispered to himself as his hand snaked around the chair. He screwed his eyes shut tighter so he could concentrate and started muttering pick-up lines while hoping he was seducing a hot vampire chick. "Is that a stake in your pocket are you just happy to see me? Bite me, baby!"

His hand felt flesh. Cold, cold flesh. A giddy flash of excitement hit America. He couldn't imagine snuggling that all night long. It almost felt like a dead slab of meat from the freezer!

"America, I believe we are all aware that you do not think."

America's blue eyes jerked open and he almost swallowed his tongue. Slowly he peered around the chair to meet violet eyes staring down at him. He tried to jerk back his hand but found it trapped on Russia's face.

"And if you would like me to violate you, I can do much more than bite." Russia purred darkly.

"Er, no thanks."

"You do not wish to become one with Mother Russia?"

"Definitely not."

"I am hurt," Russia said with a slightly malicious undertone. The hand not holding America hostage was curled around his ever-loyal pipe. "America does not wish to make good on his invitation?"

"Hell no. Not with you." Crack. "Fuck, my fingers."


	2. Chapter 2

Quick new chapter before heading off to the con ^^ Enjoy.

:E

"America, what are you doing, you prat?"

America jumped guiltily and looked around like a child who was caught raiding the cookie jar. His hand was bandaged and more bandages seemed to be rolled around his ankle. England rolled his eyes knowing exactly which nation could do that much damage to the idiotic nation.

"Shhh!"

"I most certainly will not be quiet when you are sneaking around like that. What are you doing?" England asked firmly, eyeing the fact that America's rump was waving in the air as he wiggled out from under the bed. He considered kicking it. He still hadn't forgiven him for the tea entirely.

"Will you shut up? He'll hear you!"

"Romania?"

"Yes!"

"Well, what are you doing in his hotel room then? If you were not invited."

America turned around to glare hotly, "You're in here too!"

"Because you are, you bloody idiot!"

"Oh."

"Yes, well, what are you doing?"

America stood up and gave England a very serious look, "Looking for proof."

"What?"

"Proof that mystical creatures exist." America elaborated.

England paused hopefully, then said scornfully, "You have made it quite clear you do not believe in fairytales America. You have been insisting on your aliens since you were young."

"I'm looking for a _real_ magical being England." America said impatiently. He tossed out the contents of Romania's sock drawer on the bed. He then shook the curtains and made sure to open all the other drawers for good measures, just in case some paraphernalia fell out or whatever it was he was searching for. Then he paused, "Wait, you know about magic, right?"

England swelled up a little, thinking maybe America was coming to his senses. The hot peppers were now forgiven but the tea would never be—vile stuff.

"What do you know about vampires?"

"Vampires aren't real, you git." England spat out in surprise. Whatever he was expecting, silly talk of vampires wasn't it.

"Of course they are! And that sounds really cynical coming from the nation who talks to imaginary unicorns and pixies!"

"Faeries," England corrected primly.

"Yeah, those things," America replied negligently and waved his hand slightly. He proceeded to poke around the room, which was a perfectly normal. He slowly pulled open the closet door and peered instead nervously. Apparently the suits were not what he was looking for because he half-closed it again with a sigh. "Hey England, where would you hide a coffin?"

"Pardon me?" England choked.

"Well?" America demanded.

England knew he was going to regret feeding into another one of America's obsessive, paranoid delusions, "In the basement."

"Right! Why didn't I think of that?" America practically hummed… wait, was that one of Italy's white flags? No matter. This was too good of an opportunity to waste. "It's dark and quiet and roomy. The perfect place to hide one."

"So why not go down and find out?" England offered, his green eyes glittering with revenge. "Or are you too scared?"

America puffed out instantly and proclaimed that heroes didn't get scared. And of course the coffin would be in the basement. He started marching off a few steps before turning around with the most obscenely puppy dog eyes ever and England groaned.

"I will not go with you, you git. I have paperwork to do for tomorrow's meeting." England said pretending there was no wobble in his voice. He would stand firm on this issue. He didn't have time to go gallivanting around in some dank hotel basement looking for an imaginary coffin.

"Fine, be like that." America said, still not losing the puppy dog eyes. "Just make sure you send the search party for my body if I don't come back."

"Like I would do that." England sniffed sharply. Taking one look at America's hurt and horrified face he amended hastily, "Because it would not be necessary."

"Yeah, because you're coming with me!"

Before England could protest he was being dragged down the hall by an enthusiastic America. The enthusiasm lasted into the elevator, although it seemed to deflate a little at each floor number that ticked by. By the time they got to the bottom and the doors opened with a ping America was hiding behind England.

"Get off. What are you so afraid of?"

"N-nothing. I j-just r-realized… ghosts live in basements!" he shrieked and frantically hit the 'close door' button. Once the elevator was safely on it's way up, he added, "On to test seven!" And he scratched off something on a notepad.

England was silent the entire way up and escaped quickly. Vampires indeed.

:E

America decided he did not like this hotel. There were simply too many places a ghost could hide here. And he'd already seen one, which pretty much guaranteed there were more. He'd seen all the movies.

Humming the _Mission Impossible _theme, he crept along the wall. It was now late enough he wasn't worried about running into nations wandering around, but it was fun to duck around anyway.

Besides, Russia was known to keep odd hours, and one altercation per meeting was allowed. Any more and Germany would be giving him a vicious tongue lashing about disturbing the peace and behaving maturely and blah blah. It wasn't his fault Russia acted like a dick bully all the time and as the hero he had to make a stand.

He continued down the hall, searching for Romania. His plan was to tail him all night and see if he turned into a flying rodent or ate some peasant girl or whatever vampires did at night besides stare at people sleeping. It didn't occur to him he might be the one staring at a sleeping nation.

Except said nation was not actually in his room. Which meant he was probably somewhere in the hotel or near the hotel. He wouldn't go all the way home, right?

After the fifth lap, he called it a lap because he was not lost and it was not a circle, he paused. If he were a vampire, where would he go? He leaned against the wall and practically fell through a partially latched door.

Staggering upright, he peered around. There was a set of stairs that went upwards with a small sign. He couldn't read the sign, but he figured that if he wasn't allowed up there the door would be locked.

As he got closer to the top, he realized that the stairs lead to the roof. He could feel the cold air pouring in and swirling around. It had been nice enough during the day but now that it was night time the temperature had dropped. Well, that wouldn't matter to a vampire, he reasoned, and he wasn't planning to be outside long. Not when it was so cold.

Reaching the top of the stairs he cautiously stuck his head out the door. A strangely familiar noise reached his ears. He peered around in the gloom for the source not quite figuring out what it was.

Not seeing anything, he stepped out further.

He spotted Romania's back first. The other nation was slightly hunched over and had something pressed against the wall. Sharp sucking sounds filled the air and the something was moaning softly.

Standing motionless, he waited for his brain to process the scene. How dare Romania suck someone's blood on his watch?

"Hey! What are you doing there?"

The two were startled and jumped apart quickly. Romania flushed and stuttered a few things. America ignored him and looked at the girl.

Ukraine was breathing heavily and had a mortified look all over her face. She nervously hugged herself and looked away from both America and Romania.

"Oh my God, are you okay?"

"F-f-fine."

Romania stopped stuttering and looked indignant, "Just what are you implying America?"

Slowly it dawn on America. He blinked owlishly a few times before blushing himself. To hide his embarrassment he flashed a huge smile and gave a thumbs up, "Way to improve relations man!"

Before either nation could say anything he beat a hasty retreat. This was almost as bad as that one time he was a little too curious about the noises as a kid and got an eyeful of France's ass. He chuckled to himself remembering the 'birds and the bees' talk he had received from England while the nation was looking everywhere but in his eye.

:E

America frowned, looking rumpled and sleepy. Any time he had to roll out of bed before 10 am made him feel this way. And the fact that he woke up voluntarily before the sun was downright revolting. Who scheduled these stupid meetings anyway? Didn't they have any regard for beauty sleep?

He consulted his list again. He still had a few more items to check out before Romania was cleared of vampirism. He would have to get them all done today because Sundays were always useless. Plus, Germany would be on super-hyper alert because Sunday always escalated as the nations ground on each others nerves. Being on the receiving end of Germany's lectures almost as much as Italy, and with none of the perks not that he wouldn't mind some of them, America wanted to avoid that as much as possible. No, if America were to execute his plan, it would have to be now.

With another heartfelt groan and sigh he rolled off the bed, throwing back the covers sloppily.

He knew where the hotel kitchen was and had already stashed what he needed in the freezer there. Everyone always wondered how he had a hamburger where ever the meeting happened to be, even though they swore there weren't any hamburgers within miles. Well, it was because he brought his own private stash. And he couldn't cook fancy meals like France, but he could make a mean hamburger.

With another regretful sigh, he realized he was going to have to sacrifice his hamburger meat. No one ever wanted to share, he had learned that early on, so he had only brought enough for himself. Well, it was for the good of mankind, so that was worth it, right?

Slipping into the kitchen, he was ignored by the busy staff who were working on making real breakfast foods. He had already explained what he needed, and they were used to having peculiar guests, so when he thawed out a slab of bloody meat no one even gave a second glance.

He made two patties deftly and slipped them onto two plates. He made a face at the rare pattie and swung to the fridge to gather up drinks.

It was easy enough to find Romania; after all America had slipped a tracking device on his suit when he raided his room the day before. It was much easier than rambling around looking for the other nation.

Inviting himself to sit down next to the nation, he carelessly plopped the plate down in front of Romania and sloshed the unopened drink towards him. Flashing a harmless smile towards the other nation, he set his own food down.

Romania looked at him and America wanted to ask why his eyes kept shifting around. That was really suspicious. Then the other nation's eyes shifted to the food and he gave a weak smile.

"Ah, an American breakfast?" he muttered weakly.

"Yup, the breakfast of champions! Well, no, that's Frost Flakes, but hamburgers are almost as good. Dig in buddy."

Romania made a small noise, "Is it supposed to be so—undercooked?"

"Oh, I heard that's better for you or something. You know how my people are, all diet crazy!" America waved it off, "Plus, it's got way more flavor this way."

Romania looked doubtfully at his plate again.

"Perhaps, since we are in my country, you would like to try a traditional Romanian breakfast instead?"

"Nah, I'll have one tomorrow. I just thought I'd treat you, do some cultural exchange, you know? And—er… make up for last night. Sorry about that man. I hope I didn't, uh, cost you a score."

As if on cue both of them blushed furiously and looked away. It wasn't like America didn't know about that stuff but he wasn't a voyeur or exhibitionist like France.

Romania peered skeptically at the drink and changed the subject, "What is this 'True Blood?'"

"Ahaha, it's kind of a novelty drink in my country right now…"

America watched avidly as Romania gingerly uncapped the bottle and started to bring it up to his lips. Just as he was about to take a sip a very loud and unsteady Spain barreled into their table. He didn't 'do' morning any better than America did.

He caught himself on the edge, making the food slide off and crash onto the floor. He blinked a few times and then gave a lopsided grin. The other Italy, the disgruntled one, started yelling at him to be more careful and to make sure he _hit_ America next time.

Spain gave another smile and turned to America to apologize. His gaze lingered on the remaining hamburger that hadn't done a suicide dive to the floor below and darkened. He growled something in Spanish.

"Hey, you ruining breakfast. Aren't you going to say sorry?" America demanded.

A mutinous Spain turned to glare at him. He spat a few more choice words in Spanish then added, "Beef."

"Uh, yeah. So?"

"How is it that I may not continue centuries of culture and ritual, yet you torture and eat the exact same animal?"

"Uh, because I'm eating it. Duh. Haven't you ever heard of PETA?" America shot back and rose to his feet. He wasn't really interesting in having a brawl so early in the morning.

If possibly Spain's face darkened more and Romano took a few steps back. America barely had time to save his nose as Spain punched him.

"The fuck?" America cried as blood poured from his split lip. Romania carefully stepped back from the table and started edging towards the door. America briefly considered that the smell of blood, which was all over the area now thanks to Spain, was getting to him. "Is this beat up America weekend or something?"

"Every weekend should be beat up America." Romano said under his breath. He took a deep breath and approached Spain, "Punch him again then let's go. Before that potato bastard comes to break it up."

"Jesus, just because People Eat Tasty Animals, it doesn't mean you should punch me!" America said through the napkin to his lip.

Spain let him have a few more choice words in Spanish before stomping off.

"Touchy." America said and realized Romania had taken off. He stared morosely at the hamburger on the ground then the on still on the table which Spain had squished with a hard fist on his way out.

He pulled out his notebook and added: blood, check.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Major thanks still goes to fyyrrose, who was a big help with this chapter, as well as my sister, who reminded me about cameras. Also, thank you GirlLoki for explaining the slang to me. If I manage to mangle more slang, please correct me! American slang has… multiple meanings (Take the example of Googling 'uses of the "f" word' then apply that to most American slang words) and like the way we use the rest of the language, it is generally sloppily thrown around as synonyms.

Warning: Random OC and unpopular nations… and no cats were harmed in the making of this chapter…

:E

America cleaned up his lip and ruefully stared at his fingers. Why did the other nations insist on picking on him? So what if he wanted to eat cows; what was the big deal? Geez, and everyone knew what PETA really stood for. He had thought he was making a joke!

Of course, he had to go find Seychelles. France's former colony was just the nation to talk to for the next test. She never turned down his plans anyway. He half suspected she enjoyed his antics, which he didn't mind; he enjoyed his antics too.

"Why would you want those?" she asked curiously, "Of course I have some I'd be happy to lend you, America! May I join in?"

"Certainly!" America responded enthusiastically, "As soon as I find some holy water we should be set."

Finding holy water was somewhat of a trick. America knew of churches of course but since his church and state was separate he did try to be fair. So finding holy water was a bit of a challenge for him. Especially since he didn't speak Romanian.

Eventually he ended up stealing water from a small fountain in a nearby church. It was water and it was on holy ground. Close enough, right?

Loading up the filched water, he grinned as Seychelles rejoined him with reinforcements. America wasn't sure where she had found Prussia (wasn't he banned from all meetings?) but he was just the kind of man America needed on his side. It made him think of that Superbowl commercial: Awesome + Awesome= Awesomer. And the two of them were definitely Awesomer!

He gave Prussia a friendly slap and handed him a gun. Prussia checked out the toy with a shark grin and 'so I can aim at West first, right?' America thought that was a brilliant idea. Taking down the leader of the resistance would be a smooth tactical move.

Denmark also gave a crazy Viking grin, clearly all for causing trouble. He held the massive super soaker with the three gallon tank easily. A few other nations Seychelles had recruited stood holding their guns smartly, clearly ready for some action.

"Where's the walkie talkies?"

"This is a silent operation." America frowned, "We go in as a unit and make a surprise attack. Does everyone know the targets?"

Nods.

A knock on the door startled the little group. America crept to the door and opened it a crack. Israel frowned and shoved the door into his face. She went inside and stood demandingly.

"I heard there was a Holy War and wish to join."

Okay, well, someone had leaked information. And it wasn't even the right information. America frowned and Prussia gave a sheepish look. It was a Holy WATER War.

"Ah, yes, well, we're not taking in new recruits…" America said smoothly.

Grabbing a loose gun that was carelessly lying on the bed, she turned it on him. He gulped. He knew how cold that water was and wasn't eager to be victim of friendly fire.

"Right. But you're a hardened veteran who we'd be happy to have join us."

"Good. I have scores to settle."

Gulp.

"Everyone know the plan then? Cause as much damage and chaos as possible then get the hell out of dodge. I don't want any casualties here!" America barked. "We know that the enemy is tough and willing to take prisoners."

The group silently slipped out of the room one at a time to avoid suspicion. America tucked some water grenades in his briefcase and slid the water pistol under his suit jacket. He couldn't hide the massive AK-47 look-alike, so he slung it behind his back. The neon orange head poked over his shoulder. With a nod he slipped out.

To say the surprise was a success was an understatement. The group took the meeting by storm, busting open the door and opening fire. Germany, who was at the front had just opened his mouth to start the meeting. He quickly shut it and sputtered as Prussia hit him full force in the face. Denmark rushed into subdue the rest of the Nordic while screaming war cries. America wouldn't let him strip (no one wanted to see that in war paint!) but he had decked out in other traditional Viking wear and was a force to be reckoned with. America suspected that Holland might have had something to do with that.

The meeting dissolved into utter chaos as planned.

What America wasn't expecting was the resistance to fight back.

Sweden and Finland had joined up with the Baltics forming a defensive circle and deflecting attacks with their notebooks and binders. The water sprayed back on their attackers halting the charge. Russia and Germany had been backed into the same corner and no one wanted to go there. Seychelles, Thailand, and Prussia were pushing the offense, Thailand laughing happily at the chance to start a massive water fight. Germany had grabbed the microphone, which was not cordless, and was trying to lasso and choke his brother. Prussia cackled and aimed another round of ammunition at the strict nation. Israel… America blinked nervously… was screaming at China and Korea.

"That is not true holy water!"

Trust China to start selling water in the middle of a water war. The nation was a genius! And he was also selling to the enemy! Korea was defending his brother claiming that holy water originated in Korea, so they should be grateful he even shared it at all.

Belarus, France, and Japan were uncomfortably close. France and Japan were trying to give Belarus space while chucking complimentary water bottles at their attackers. Taiwan and Vietnam were giving no quarter and France shrieked as the water ruined his beautiful hair.

Vietnam's eyes widened as his hair color drained out and started screaming about devils. France started babbling to her in frantic French as she jabbed a finger at him. He earned a water grenade to the head, which just made the dye job even worse. Belarus finally got tired of his screams and sliced off the offending hair closest to her. France broke eardrums and England started laughing uproariously.

America sought out his victim fighting pockets of resistance and taking them out. He swung around feeling someone behind him. Seeing nothing he found and shivered. Damn ghosts. Canada, who had been intending to go help England, froze then sighed in relief as America passed him over.

"Find the target, mate?" Australia asked making America jump. He gave the other former British colony a cocky grin, "Yup, how is it on your end?"

"Ace, mate, ace!" he said back, "This was a bonzer plan!"

"Glad you liked it!" America laughed wildly, "Make sure to get England for me, okay?"

Australia looked like he was already on that anyway. England and Cuba were close enough to be touching and every time one of them accidentally touched the other there'd be a terse snap. It didn't help when Hong Kong "accidentally" threw a string of firecrackers over their head, making England almost jump into Cuba's arms in fright, yelling.

"Which side are you on anyway?" England demanded of the stoic Asian nation, who shrugged in response.

America gave a shiteating grin before seeking his target. He found Romania with Italy and Hungary. He frowned. Of all the allies to have… oh well, Italy would understand and Hungary… he'd just stay away from her.

Pulling out a grenade, he loaded it up into a sling he had jury-rigged and aimed at Romania. Unfortunately, the string on the rubber band snapped making the balloon swing wide.

"God damn mother fucker!"

Oops. Wrong Italy.

America barely had time to duck before a barrage of tomatoes flew at him. Where did those come from? In the confusion Hungary charged, frying pan held upright.

"I'm going to smite you!" she yelled and swung the pan. Luckily for America Prussia just happened to be thrown by. The pan gave a solid smack and the ex-nation crumpled pathetically.

"Man down!"

"Hardly a man. But he did make a very good diversion." Russia sung with glee. "You should choose your allies more carefully America." The larger country grabbed Prussia's gun and aimed.

America hastily jerked out his rain poncho. It was absolutely hideous and he looked like an oversized duckling when he wore it but he was never more grateful for random items in his suitcase.

Pressing his advantage, Russia stepped forward… and promptly tripped over a sleeping Greece. He dropped the bottle he was refilling his tank with on one of the many cats that insisted on draping themselves all over Greece. The result was instantaneous. Screams and mutilation followed and America had to avert his eyes. He didn't know cats attacked in packs.

"Russia, you were truly a bastard, but even you didn't deserve that." America said.

He locked back on Romania. The nation was speaking to the Italys, which had multiplied during America's battle, and looking over his shoulder. The one Italy was frantically waving a white flag. Oh, so that was the good twin. America cast a sour glance at the other who returned the favor along with a finger.

Taking careful aim, he was about to pull the trigger when real gunfire filled the room. All activity immediately stopped. America glanced around to see many of his allies fallen. Prussia was being tied up by Germany while Seychelles was being tickle-tortured by France. Vietnam and Taiwan were holding on gamely but Japan had pulled out some fancy gattling gun type invention that was shaking, decapping, and aiming soda at the two. He also had his camera out and was snapping away at the carnage. Sweden and Finland had Denmark in hand or rather were sitting on him. Australia was in a stand off with England, who had turned on the disapproving-father-lecture mode.

"Enough! What the hell is this, a three ring circle?" Switzerland bellowed releasing another round of bullets into the ceiling. He stood on the table and glared down. "Get out, all of you. The meeting room is neutral and this is a serious offense."

America slowly lowered his gun but not before drenching Romania one last time. Mission accomplished. Unfortunately Romania didn't melt though… wait, that was witches? Well, he didn't do anything other than wrinkle his nose and flick water off his face.

America gave one last glare at the buzzkill Switzerland and his eyes gleamed as he started at the 'neutral' country's uniform. Perfect.

:E

"Please?" America begged. "I need it for verification purposes! I'll give it back, I promise!"

"America-san, I do not think you understand your position. Prisoners are supposed to be silent." Japan said softly, looking through the fantastic shots he had taken of the battle.

"Hey, you got those awesome shots because of me. I wanna see too!" America whined from the other side of the door. "Hey, do you have any of Germany looking like he was in a wet tee shirt contest?"

There was a thump on the other side of the door then a pause before Japan replied, "Why does America-san wish to know?"

"'Cuz I made sure Prussia soaked him and switched his shirts this morning." America replied smugly. "C'mon, you owe me for the eye candy! I promise I won't escape or anything. I just want a peek at some of the shots. You gotta admit that lightened everyone right up and made the meeting a blast!"

"I would not consider being attacked by an angry Taiwan 'a blast' America-san." America could hear the frown in Japan's voice.

"Ah, well, it was just a little water anyway. What's a little bit of icy cold water to the face between best buddies?"

Silence.

Then the door creaked open. America's cell mate, Australia, glanced up from his magazine before going back to it. His koala was hanging off the headboard lazily and he didn't seem particularly concerned about his 'punishment' because 'it couldn't be worse than listening to England go on and on about responsibility.'

The camera's screen was turned back towards him and he peered through the crack at the little pictures.

"Dude, I can't change the screen."

Japan pushed a button.

"Oh c'mon, this will take all day!"

Reluctantly the camera went through as the door opened wider. America glanced at Japan and felt sorry for a moment. The other nation was fairly dry now and had changed but he still looked sullen at the attack.

"You should've been my ally man." America offered knowing he never would've actually told Japan of his plans. Japan probably would frown and say something about being too old for fun then tell on him.

"Return the camera."

America quickly flipped through the pictures admiring the clarity and resolution. There was a great action shot of the firecrackers going off and England rocketing into Cuba's arms. He so wanted that for his scrap book.

"None of Romania?" America finally asked.

"I do not believe so."

"Bummer. Could you get one of him?"

"For what purpose?" America could hear the curiosity.

America furrowed his brow, considering what to say. He had a glib tongue on occasion but this was top secret information.

"Never mind."

Japan accepted the camera back and murmured a shy, "Thank you."

"No problem man. His face was beyond priceless when we busted in anyway!" America crowed with a wide smile. Whatever his punishment was, that raid was a brilliant idea. Too bad all the guns had been confiscated and the grenades collected and destroyed. He knew security would be tighter in the future too.

"You two come with me." England grumbled, stepping around Japan and opening the door wide. The koala cracked an eye and made this strange hissing sound. No, wait, that was the giant lizard on Australia's chest… wait, giant lizard? It hissed again showing off a blue tongue and strong jaws.

"W-w-what is that pray tell?" England stuttered, spotting the lizard at the same time.

"England repellant." Australia replied flicking over the page in his magazine, "Cher's the name. Ain't she a beaut?"

"Okay, America, YOU come with me. Australia, you stay here. You will be dealt with later." England glared his eyebrows bunched dangerously. "After I call the local zoo."

"Why only me?"

"Because you are the ringleader of this shenanigan, I just know it!" England waved a finger in America's face. America gave him a bright smile as he pushed down the frantic index finger and stepped past him, "You know me too well! But if you guys weren't so stuffy, I wouldn't have to lighten up the meetings."

"Meetings are not to be 'lightened up!' They are supposed to be for serious work! Honestly, you are still such a child. And don't tell me this is part of your vampire hunt either!"

"Then I won't."

"Bloody git." England muttered.

Pictures, inconclusive.

:E

America glanced at his watch as they trekked down the hall in silence.

"I do have to thank you for the laugh." England finally said, breaking the silence.

"Ahaha, France needed a new look anyway." America smirked. "And you're welcome."

"Yes, he does sport the newly sheared sheep look quite well." England murmured to himself with a smile but then turned to America, "But, seriously my boy, is it so difficult to behave? You are a grown nation now."

"So's Prussia, and he gets to do fun things." America pouted.

"He… he is a different case all together and you know it."

They were silent the rest of the way. England thinking about whatever stuffy thoughts went through his head and America considering how to go out with a bang. He only had one more test to see if Romania was a vampire; it was the ultimate test.

Of course, it was highly risky, hence the reason it was last, but he had a plan.

England shoved him into the meeting room, which had somehow been dried and cleaned in the few hours since the battle. The chairs were all put back in place and the microphone had been replaced up front. The offenders were lined up along the far wall and Germany had a thunderous look at the head of the long table. Oh boy.

Seychelles gave a small wave then said something in French to Vietnam. The Asian nation glowered darkly. Taiwan was chatting with Thailand and Prussia was still gagged and tied up on the floor. Denmark sat staring at the wall with a drugged grin on his face. America was a bit envious.

Germany shouted for order as America was shoved in line. He glared down, a stray lick of hair escaping from the side of his head. America stared at it wondering if he had ever seen Germany's hair less than perfect. Maybe holy water didn't do much against vampires, but it did a number on hair dye and hair gel.

"What in the devil was your intention disrupting the meeting?" Germany didn't even have to add a title or an again to the end of his sentence. America shrugged and his allies gave various giggles or snorts of amusement.

"These actions are inexcusable!" Germany continued, "America, blah blah blah. Blah blah America blah blah!"

America tuned Germany out with his handy blah filter. It was a technique he had perfected as a kid when England would yell at him for being reckless or annoying.

Locating Switzerland, he stealthily crept towards the other nation. He would have to act quickly if he wanted to grab his prize without being shot in the kneecaps. Or his vital regions.

"Kyahhaaa!"

All the nations stopped to watch as America tackled the surprised and pissed Switzerland, who reached for his gun. America was just slightly faster and spun the weapon out of reach. Luckily the safety was on, but that didn't stop nations from jumping out of the way just in case.

Romania stepped forward to help Switzerland up when America popped up in front of him.

"Stop! I've got a cross!" America shoved Switzerland's little silver cross in Romania's face threateningly, then he added another one with the other hand, "Two crosses!"

Romania flinched back and America smirked, "Don't like silver crosses, do you?"

"I do not wish to have my eyes poked out." Romania retorted sharply.

"Are you a vampire?"

"A what?"

"You stupid git, I already told you vampires are a myth!" England shouted from the background.

"Are you a vampire! I saw you sparkling in the sun yesterday. Only vampires do that! Stephanie Meyers said so."

"I—I do not follow."

America pulled out his last weapon, the little stake Italy had given him in the restaurant. He still wasn't sure what the white cloth was for, but the wooden handle was sharpened with a pencil sharpener.

"Get back or I'll stake you!"

"That's a flag of surrender, you git."

"I'll do it!"

America was so focused on Romania, who was looking at England for an explanation, that he failed to notice the very angry Switzerland stalking up behind him.

SMACK.

"Give those back! I can't believe you would touch my person with your filthy hands! I ought to shoot you for touching my property!"

America brushed him off and continued to try to get to Romania. Germany's head hit the wooden podium with a sharp thud.

"Ve~ Vampires? Scary!"

Everyone broke out into chatter at once.

"They are too real. How come Romania won't let me stake him?" America pouted.

France sniggered, "Perhaps your stake is too wee? Or perhaps _monsieur_ Romania prefers no stakes at all?" England whacked him upside the head, "Get your mind out of the gutter."

"If that will stop this nonsense, then I will allow you to complete your test." Romania said levelly. The chatter abruptly stopped and several nations voiced concern. Romania was quite well liked by his neighbors and Hungary was tapping her frying pan in soft readiness.

America cocked his head and a huge smile broke across his face. He gave Romania a friendly slap on the back, "Why didn't you just say so then? I just had to be sure, you know? Vampires are really big back in my country, so it was just a misunderstanding." He put his hand out, "Friends?"

Romania looked down at it sensing a trap. Slowly he put his hand in America's and was surprised that all the bones didn't creak at the pressure.

America struck. He threw the two silver crosses like throwing stars before jumping forward with a stake.

Unfortunately, Russia was just as fast. He grabbed America's arm and yanked him back, happy to have an excuse to legally manhandle the super power. He pulled America's arm behind his back and twisted until the mini-stake fell from his nerveless fingers.

"Bastard."

"That was not heroic." Russia tsked.

"Yeah, well, I heard kittens have a mean right hook." America spat back and Russia pulled him closer to whisper in his ear, "Shall we see how mean a hook you have, little kitty?"

"Uggh, let go."

"Is this the reason for all of this… chaos?" Germany spat the last word out with horror. His face reflected his tone.

"Yup. I needed to make sure you all were protected from vampires."

"Go home America. Seriously, just go home."

Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Fine. If you don't want my help, get eaten for all I care! Uh… Russia, you can let go now."

"Mmm."

"Seriously, shove off. You're in my personal space bubble."

Russia reluctantly let go.

America stomped out and England shook his head, "Where did I go so wrong?"


	4. Chapter 4

Warning: potential historical and political inaccuracy.

A/N: I'm not sure how this monster grew to be 30 pages, but here's the last part. I hope everyone has enjoyed reading it. I'd like to ask you all to review. Not because I need reviews for motivation (obviously) but because I'm curious to see what parts you liked/didn't like for future fics! Think of it as a marketing survey with you guys as the customers. Also, America is so Jason Stackhouse!

Romania's POV

I was having a terrible weekend. My neighbor Serbia was creating all kinds of headaches for me and Ukraine was being too pushy. I had tried to say I wasn't really interested in merging in any way, shape, or form but she was pushing that stupid canal. Well, it was all politics anyway.

I had hoped this meeting would go well and reflect nicely on my country as well as calm my neighbors so I could sleep better. It was supposed to lessen my stress, not increase it!

Friday was actually going quite well. America had his little speech, something incomprehensible about nothing to do with the topic, before they adjourned to lunch. I accepted the invitation to dine with some of the western European nations, mostly in the hope of avoiding all the Slavic nations in addition to Hungary's pressing personal questions about my none-of-her-or-her-video recorder's-business relationship.

Just as I was about to step out the door a fine shower of gold glitter flittered over me. It worked into my dark hair, clogged up my nose, and I sneezed and wheezed futilely, sprinkling swirls of glitter in my wake.

"You fell into the trap for jerk-England! Now we're going to have to make another one!"

I didn't recognize that two nations that tore past me, the one little one shaking quite violently, but I was more concerned with the fact that I could not show up to lunch looking like I had been thrown in the dryer with one of America's Hannah Montana shirts.

Shaking my head regretfully, I turned around to go back to my hotel room to change. Although this was my country, I did not feel it was fair to make all of the other nations stay in a hotel, no matter how plush, while I lounged in the comfort of my own home. Also, it was much easier for me to be on site in case of problems.

It was unfortunate that when I stepped out the door the sun decided to come out. The glitter in my eyes momentarily blinded me. I stumbled back a little, surprised, before ducking my head and heading back to the safety of the building. Such a rare occurrence for fall and perhaps a good omen I thought to myself.

And lunch went quite well also. Although the restaurant was exceedingly busy and packed, a charming waiter came to take our orders. Several hard looks and raised eyebrows later, no one wanted to know why America was touching their food. When England asked in a snappy voice, America just said he was helping out because the restaurant was understaffed and that was where Italy was as well. Germany let out a small sigh and muttered something about having too much pasta and hoping for something else for once. I did not understand but neither seemed too distressed, so I dismissed it as personal relations.

I looked at my plate and decided this was a good choice of restaurants. It had been recommended to me by a loyal, trustworthy soul, but tastes do differ. In any case, the food looked wonderful and smell wonderful, so I took a large bite. Surprised, I took another and gave a noise of approval. How did the cook know I loved garlic in my food? I had not asked for fear of offending my guests with the smell.

Simultaneously, England, who was on my left on the other side of France, a dubious seating arrangement to begin with in my opinion, let out a yell. I, and everyone at the table, jumped up in alarm as he began to swear violently. Grabbing the tea in front of him, he gulped it down frantically. And then began to turn even redder, if it were at all possible. I feared he would turn purple next.

Germany stepped up to give first aid just as England managed to choke out, 'America, you will pay for this, you bloody wanker!' Then added calmly to Germany, 'Sweet tea. No cause for alarm… just homicide.' France simply laughed and said airily, 'The boy always did get his poor taste from you.'

As the food fight began, I sunk down in my chair, utterly mortified. I had heard the rumors of course, but I had always assumed that they were over exaggerated and in poor taste. I would need to change suits yet again.

After another quick shower and suit change, I attended the afternoon meetings. These went without incident, I suspect due to the lack of energy from the usual instigators, and were adjourned before I knew it.

As I was leaving the room, America flagged me down. He said that some lunch still resided in my teeth, so I peered in the proffered mirror. There was, indeed, a piece of greenery and I promptly removed it.

I started moving off when I heard him yelling. I had decided that I would simply keep walking. I took three more steps before America went past me. I turned around and saw another America, in different clothing, holding out a mirror.

'Who are you?' I asked. He blinked and pointed meekly at himself, 'Me?' I nodded, 'Who else is here in this hallway with us?' He peered at me and hugged a large, white animal, 'I'm Canada. No one ever notices me, or if they do, they think I'm America.'

I could not see how. Clothing aside, Canada seemed to be the opposite of the over-excitable America.

'I see. Romania. A pleasure to meet you.' He accepted the handshake and blushed before stammering out a 'I know. Thank you for having us. Your country is very nice.'

I smiled at the compliment and filed away the name 'Kanida' for later.

After that I ran into Russia. I wish I could say he was as pleasant, but alas, he wasn't. Not that I was ignorant to his… advances. I had enough personal dealings that I did not even need to rely on hear-say to know I was in trouble when he cornered me in the hall back to my room.

Luckily, I had prepared for such an incident because I had no desire to reunite with Russia a second time. It was inevitable that he would seek me out. So when he did trap me, I used a simple illusion to move to the side. It was not difficult, but if you were not expecting it, it would appear that I had either lightning reflexes or the ability to teleport.

I did not expect it to work twice, so after being tossed like a rag doll into the chair, I stayed put. Even as I was defiant, my heart sunk in fear. I was quite attached to my body in one piece and not having my knee caps blown out with blunt force. Just as he was leaning over to berate (and perhaps behead me) he stopped. A child-like grin spread over his features and he put a finger to his lips.

I stared.

He grabbed the front of my suit and chucked me a few feet in the opposite direction before making shooing motions.

I stared some more.

Then I noticed the blond hair sticking out from behind the chair I had been in. What America was doing behind the chair was beyond my comprehension. I had a brief moment of guilt when I realized that Russia had found something else to play with, but I assumed that America, being a super power, was more than able to handle the large nations. They had been fighting for years in any case.

I quickly walked away but a glance or two back to see America's hand on Russia's face and Russia's hand over America's. Ah, so it was like that. No wonder Russia dismissed me so quickly. I blushed and hurried off to my own engagement.

Of course, I was late and apologized. Ukraine seemed concerned that I had run into Russia, after all he didn't know about our personal relations, but I told her that he had decided America was much more interesting. She flushed at that but I decided it was rude to pry.

I quickly swiped a card to open the door to the roof and head her hand as we slipped up the stairs. I did not believe anyone to be awake but it would be hard to explain if we were found in a hallway, and of course, our rooms were completely out of the question.

It was nice to be alone even if it was a bit chilly outside. I knew it would be winter soon enough. The activity was keeping us warm enough anyway.

I did not notice America until he shouted. Surprised, I stumbled back and listened to his accusations. I frowned, getting angry. Just what was he insinuating here? Ukraine was so shy and mortified she could barely answer. I clenched my fists intending to settle this, super power or no, when he blushed and looked at us sideways.

'Way to improve relations man!'

I frowned harder, wondering what he meant, before it dawned on me that… that… how vulgar!

I turned around to assure Ukraine that those were not my intentions. She gave a soft smile, still hugging herself, and said she knew they weren't. We kissed a few more times, tenderly, but the mood was broken. I escorted her back to her room before returning to my own.

In confusion I stared at the scene before me. My room looked like it had been ransacked, which made no sense at all because I had nothing worth breaking in for. Sighing, I went to return my undergarments to the drawer and pick up a few suits from the closet floor. My dry cleaning bill was going to be outrageous.

I started the next morning optimistically. Until I saw America approaching me. I was beginning to understand how he had gained his reputation now. If I were any more paranoid I would believe him to be stalking me.

When he set the half-cooked bloody mess in front of me my stomach turned. I politely attempted not to gag.

Did he really wish for me to eat this… breakfast?

Luckily Spain upended the table just in the nick of time. I did not even attempt to save my suit from the strange beverage as the dark red splattered all over.

Apparently Spain was still upset about the bull fighting issue, not that I blame him in the slightest, and cornered the seemingly clueless America. I had seen Spain in times before his lackadaisical attitude and did not wish to be in the middle if he decided to temporarily revert to his glory days.

I quickly slipped out of the room with the crowd. Apparently I wasn't the only one who decided that a brawl between the two was too dangerous. I shook my head as the remaining spectators started placing bets.

'100 on Spain' France said gleefully while Hungary sighed saying it wasn't the right kind of fighting. As her neighbor and on good relations with her, I shuddered at her meaning. Austria merely rolled his eyes also knowing her meaning.

I went to go change suits yet again. I was glad I brought spares.

The rest of the day just was awful. I truly do not understand what motivates America to do such outrageous things. The meeting was just about to begin, although several members were tardy, when America and a group of other nations broke through the door with guns.

Italy, who was beside me, let out a yelp and hit the floor with his flag waving madly. I decided he probably had a good idea and ducked too. If this was some kind of joke, I was not amused. And if it were a terrorist attack then I did not wish to be shot or taken hostage.

It took me a few minutes to realize that the guns were spraying icy water on the victims. Better than bullets but I still had no wish to ruin yet another suit. Suits were expensive!

Somehow I ended up wedged with the bad-tempered Southern Italy and his brother, who was still waving the flag madly from the ground. Hungary joined us grimly and gave me a quick wink before using her frying pan to deflect a stream of water. I was no stranger to battle but this… this was insane! How did one fight water guns and balloons? And it was madness one would have to do so in the first place!

America came at us grinning madly and Hungary smirked. She looked ready to take him out. Just as she tensed to do so, Southern Italy exploded into a flurry of curses and… tomatoes…? America was as surprised as I. Hungary took the opportunity to strike and the resounding crack made everyone in the vicinity wince.

Hungary fussed because Prussia's head dented her pan. I grabbed both Italys by the collar and started to backpedal. The Southern one protested until he saw Russia and then I was the one being dragged backwards.

Russia misstepped and went down in a flurry of cats. His wails sent chills down my spine.

America saw me and gave a cheeky salute. I stared at him wondering if he had lost his mind and preparing to throw my shoe at him. His reflexes were probably too good to be nailed by leather but at least I would have tried to give him what he deserved.

Real gunshots peppered the room. Germany and a few others quickly seized the opportunity to subdue the offenders and march them out of the room. I flicked some water off my face as England and Kanida dragged America off.

Wonderful.

The subsequent meeting was boring. I would have liked to simply get dried off and take a nap. This weekend was far more stressful and taxing than the political problems it was supposed to be solving!

I did not really pay attention to the discussion around me. After making a few inquiries to make sure my neighbors were alright, and glancing shyly across the room at Ukraine, who was tending her brother's scratches, I sat down. This meeting was such a disaster, and I was too tired to play the gracious host. Not that anyone was paying attention anyway.

When they brought America out he attacked me. By then I was so tired of assaults and ruined suits, I simply stared. Was I supposed to shrink back in fear of the cross? I did not understand. I did shrink back when he decided to use the crosses as throwing stars. Yet somehow I expected a sneak attack. I now had a very good idea why the other nations became exasperated with the overenthusiastic superpower.

Where in the world had he gotten the idea I was a vampire? Actually, I was impressed he even knew where vampires 'originated' considering he couldn't find Europe on a map half the time.

I sighed as America was ordered out of the room. I was wondering if it was even worth it to insist he pay my dry cleaning bill. With another sigh, and returning Switzerland's crosses, I decided I should be glad the damage was so minimal. After all, what would he have done if he had found a real vampire?

A small grin worked onto my face at the thought and I chuckled. I was quite sure that a few well placed suggestions would have him… occupied… with the help of a few other nations. Humming slightly, I planned some revenge.


End file.
